Tealight of Terror

I bought a tealight holder from Tesco over the summer. It's like a mug, except it doesn't have a handle. And it's got loads of holes in the side. So, not much like a mug.

It came with a little tag featuring several iconic warnings. Sixteen in fact. For one little tealight holder.

Well, in truth, the warnings are all about candles. Fire is supposed to be one of mankind's earliest discoveries, yet we still haven't mastered it.


You can't really blame the second guy for leaving his giant candle unattended; the heat was probably getting too much for him.



Here's the obligatory "keep away from children". This kid looks mightily pleased with themselves, maybe because they've managed to grow sideburns at such a tender age. We're probably also being told to keep candles away from angry animals; but what animal is that? Is that a snake?




Does anyone pay attention to this? You'd need bigger birthday cakes for a start.





Not only are we one curtain short, but the one shown is too short for the window. I like the valance though, you don't see enough of those.




Nice belt. If you look really close, you can see the bat symbol on the buckle.



I thought this was a book at first: "Don't read by candlelight." I guess it's an open window, and those are either fumes or a breeze. Funnily enough, that's why I wanted a tealight holder.




I have no idea what this one is warning me about. The sun suggests outside or daytime. Is that a cooker on the left? Chimenea? And a television? Or an aquarium with an aerial? Whatever this is, I hope I don't do it.




No, not just "Don't hold the candle while it's lit." Look at the flame; we've not seen it bending like that since the open window warning. The person holding it is running. A definite no-no.



Another tough one. There's not even a candle in this one. Something to do with airflow? Seriously, I just wanted something to put citronella candles in to keep away the bugs. I know they don't work, but I thought I'd try it anyway.



Tealights don't tend to do this. Nice attention to detail, though, with the flame staying realistically upright.




I don't get this one either. What is that windsock on the left doing to that candle? It looks like some magical vortex.





Don't hock a loogie to extinguish your candle. Use the butterfly net provided.



Ah, chemical symbols, designer's last hope when you're not allowed to colour in. That's a mighty drop coming from that jug. I can vouch for this warning; I once got a tiny tealight to puff out a giant fireball just by dribbling water on it. Nearly took my face off. Won't do that again with H₂O. I'll stick to C₈H₁₈.


This one must be important - it's got its own exclamation mark. But I don't know what it means. The windsock is back, though, and the candle isn't happy about it.




At first I thought the flame was being lifted off the candle with some magic stick. I guess it's saying, "Don't light with a match," which rather scuppers my plans.


That's probably a spent match, rather than a bent sperm. It's a wise warning: put enough fuel into a tealight and you can really get it boiling. I've cracked a couple of tealight holders that way. Which is where we came in...


I noticed Tesco was selling a scissor and knife sharpener in their "hey, it's only a pound!" bit. I checked the tag. Not a single warning.

Match Box - Sage of Our Times

I love this guy. Look at his little face! You'll find him staring back at you, in abject terror, from the back of most boxes of matches. What a perfect rendition of a parent's worst nightmare in symbolic form. It's not enough that they have to tell us that fire kills children (yes, even children!), but that this is an element of DANGER! Caps and everything. They're shouting, because the message is really important.

In case we have trouble understanding English, they show us as much of the horror as they think we can bear, with a stick figure being attacked by bits of the Liberal Democrats symbol (what Clive James once referred to as the seven-winged flying worm).
The look of terror on the guy's face (I'm guessing it's a guy, but I should point out that fire kills girls too) hammers the point home that what is happening to him is not a Good Thing^TM.

They could have gone this way with cigarette packets. But they didn't. I guess if deaths from match abuse goes unabated, they may have to get really graphical on those boxes too.
Matchboxes are full of handy tips, and I'm not just talking about those bobbles on the end of the little sticks. As well as the obligatory death-for-children-awaits-inside warning, mine also tells me to:

• Keep in a dry place.
• Keep away from children.
• Strike gently and away from the body.

This last is, presumably, to leave as little visible marking as possible, and avoid self-injury on the rebound. But stick to the second recommendation and you'll never need to smack the little beggars anyway.